now attempting to bblog...in blogspace...unfolding personal communications capsule...what is a mind when it is not a mind? just fooling...threw that in because I thot it sounded kewl...
sometimes I wander through my mind wondering about all the broken connections..are they really ever broken...by their very nature no, since we are them..but where do they go...swinging through space? for little space monkeys to drop by and travel on..whhheee
fro those of you who thot I was going to get boring and entirely normalll and domesticated in my old age... I think the anszer is nnnnnnooohhhh, notice sense of humour getting weirder all the time...
space monkeys...you think your mind is entirely your own? no, it is a playground for little space monkeys...jumping around, looking for coco nuts and bananannas to peel. Our minds are porous really open on the inside even more than on the outside. Inside where the universe is free to be its truly amazingly expansive self, expanding through you...and me. Becoming bigger and more spacious all the time...breathe, sigh, breathe and feel it happening, take it in a little...sip by sip of so tintillating tasty tingling vvibrating real becoming...
well it's Moonday...less spacey tomorrow. "hello I must be going and I only came to say, I heard your mMother calling but I must be on my way.... ooohhh, I remember it all from before
why each precious flower, why each moment has its hour ...it's You, it's all true"
(special prize to be awarded for identification of slightly garbled quote)
Monday, November 07, 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
the existence of the universe
why does the universe exist? Theoretically matter and anti-matter would be created in equal amounts and cancel each other out...
Likewise, in terms that make more sense to me, chaos and destruction could easily equal order and creation (I know what you're thinking---destruction could easily outstrip creation, boom, boom, boom, but with nothing to destroy, destruction is lost...right? and I know I'm never supposed to have one long dash without another but you figure out where I could've inserted one cuz I don't know!) Or at the very least the universe would exist just as a blip---created, destroyed, created, destroyed, created...---and I have heard it seriously posited that this is what happens.
However, in any scenario, including our lives, I believe it is consciousness that makes the difference, that manages to shift the balance---consciousness creates a higher order or reality and consciousness is the urge within nothingness that always gives birth to somethingness.
Likewise, it seems to be that it is the process of consciousness (it should be a verb not a noun---consciousnessing, co-choice-sing?) that makes us capable of some level of free will (conscious co-operation in favour of consciousness or in the case of evil, not).
All that I am trying to say here is that without the hard work of consciousnesssing to create the joy, the zing, the clarity and understanding that consciousness brings nothing would exist or be worth existing for...
Likewise, in terms that make more sense to me, chaos and destruction could easily equal order and creation (I know what you're thinking---destruction could easily outstrip creation, boom, boom, boom, but with nothing to destroy, destruction is lost...right? and I know I'm never supposed to have one long dash without another but you figure out where I could've inserted one cuz I don't know!) Or at the very least the universe would exist just as a blip---created, destroyed, created, destroyed, created...---and I have heard it seriously posited that this is what happens.
However, in any scenario, including our lives, I believe it is consciousness that makes the difference, that manages to shift the balance---consciousness creates a higher order or reality and consciousness is the urge within nothingness that always gives birth to somethingness.
Likewise, it seems to be that it is the process of consciousness (it should be a verb not a noun---consciousnessing, co-choice-sing?) that makes us capable of some level of free will (conscious co-operation in favour of consciousness or in the case of evil, not).
All that I am trying to say here is that without the hard work of consciousnesssing to create the joy, the zing, the clarity and understanding that consciousness brings nothing would exist or be worth existing for...
Monday, May 09, 2005
Sunday, May 08, 2005
classic sci-fi quiz now up
The aim of the game is to identify the author and book, or short story (only one) that is quoted…classic sci-fi means no fantasy, and nothing that has not survived the test of time. I want to say that, sadly, Theodore Sturgeon is missing from this list; if anyone ever wants to donate me a copy of his novel “God’s Body”, then please do… Olaf Stapleton is likewise missing….The local libraries no longer seem to have these which leads me to think that we need a campaign to bring back classic speculative literature which is, after all, the literature of ideas….
Also, I couldn’t get my hands or cursor on anything from Marg Piercy’s Woman on the Edge of Time, or Suzette Hagin Elgin’s Native Tongue, an amazing book revolving around the subject of linguistics and the power vested in the use of language.
In fact, you will find that this list is comprised of the tried and true and probably familiar…
On with the show, this is it…
1. “No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man’s and yet as mortal as his own…as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.”
2. “Bottle of mine, it's you I've always wanted!Bottle of mine, why was I ever decanted?Skies are blue inside of youThe weather's always fine;ForThere ain't no Bottle in all the worldLike that dear little Bottle of mine”
3. "All men hate the wretched; how then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things! Yet you, my creator, detest and spurn me, thy creature, to whom thou art bound by ties only dissoluble by the annihilation of one of us."
4. “We believe— it is only a theory— that the Overmind Is trying to grow, to extend its powers and its awareness of the universe. By now it must be the sum of many races, and long ago it left the tyranny of matter behind. It is conscious of intelligence, everywhere. When it knew that you were almost ready, it sent us here to do its bidding, to prepare you for the transformation that is now at hand.All the earlier changes your race has known took countless ages. But this is a transformation of the mind, not of the body. By the standards of evolution, it will be cataclysmic— instantaneous. It has already begun.”
5. “Silently Brother Francis untied the package and unwrapped the original blueprint and the illuminated commemoration thereof…The robber’s craggy jaw dropped an inch. He whistled softly. “What a pretty! Now wouldn’t the woman like that to hang on the cabin wall!…What is it, the robber asked, a charm?”…Uh---Transistorized Control System for Unit Six-B,” the monk stammered.”
6. "You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. When I said something about the moon, you looked at the moon, last night. The others would never do that. The others would walk off and leave me talking. Or threaten me. No one has time any more for anyone else. You're one of the few who put up with me. That's why I think it's so strange you're a fireman, it just doesn't seem right for you, somehow."
7. “It is not my way to grant you any foreknowledge in these recordings, but it would be safe to indicate that what you have now achieved is merely a new balance---though one in which your position is considerably better. The Spiritual Power, while sufficient to ward off attacks of the Temporal, is not sufficient to attack in return. Because of the invariable growth of the counteracting force known as Regionalism, or Nationalism, the Spiritual Power cannot prevail.”
8. “For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead kings, and we each deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? … Free your mind of the idea of deserving, the idea of earning, and you will begin to be able to think.”
9. “He became aware that there was another living creature in the room with him. A granddaddy longlegs was making a futile journey down from the ceiling, spinning as it went. Smith watched it with delight and wondered if it was a nestling form of man.”
10. "Much that was called religion has carried an unconscious attitude of hostility toward life. True religion must teach that life is filled with joys pleasing to the eye of God, that knowledge without action is empty. All men must see that the teaching of religion by rules and rote is largely a hoax. The proper teaching is recognized with ease. You can know it without fail because it awakens within you that sensations which tells you this is something you've always known.”
11. “Well, then, that is the thing at the top of all bodies---so fast that it is at rest, so truly body that it has ceased being body at all. But we will not talk of that. Start from where we are, Small One. The swiftest thing that touches our senses is light. We do not truly see light, we only see slower things lit by it, so that for us light is on the edge---the last thing we know before things become too swift for us. But the body of an eldil is a movement swift as light…”
12. “If you find your life tangled up with somebody else’s life for no very logical reasons, that person may be a member of your karass..."
13. “For those stars were no stars at all! They were man-made objects---and very likely they were artifacts of those mysterious Southern ancestors. Perhaps they were even the actual vehicles that had brought those ancestors…in the beginning.”
14. "If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron.."
15. "they'd put them in cages, and torment them with maze and electric-shock experiments, and kill a few for dissection, or maybe not bother killing them first. On his own land, if they did anything like that, he could do something about it...I'll have to remind you again, though, that you're to treat these little people with consideration..."
Also, I couldn’t get my hands or cursor on anything from Marg Piercy’s Woman on the Edge of Time, or Suzette Hagin Elgin’s Native Tongue, an amazing book revolving around the subject of linguistics and the power vested in the use of language.
In fact, you will find that this list is comprised of the tried and true and probably familiar…
On with the show, this is it…
1. “No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man’s and yet as mortal as his own…as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.”
2. “Bottle of mine, it's you I've always wanted!Bottle of mine, why was I ever decanted?Skies are blue inside of youThe weather's always fine;ForThere ain't no Bottle in all the worldLike that dear little Bottle of mine”
3. "All men hate the wretched; how then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things! Yet you, my creator, detest and spurn me, thy creature, to whom thou art bound by ties only dissoluble by the annihilation of one of us."
4. “We believe— it is only a theory— that the Overmind Is trying to grow, to extend its powers and its awareness of the universe. By now it must be the sum of many races, and long ago it left the tyranny of matter behind. It is conscious of intelligence, everywhere. When it knew that you were almost ready, it sent us here to do its bidding, to prepare you for the transformation that is now at hand.All the earlier changes your race has known took countless ages. But this is a transformation of the mind, not of the body. By the standards of evolution, it will be cataclysmic— instantaneous. It has already begun.”
5. “Silently Brother Francis untied the package and unwrapped the original blueprint and the illuminated commemoration thereof…The robber’s craggy jaw dropped an inch. He whistled softly. “What a pretty! Now wouldn’t the woman like that to hang on the cabin wall!…What is it, the robber asked, a charm?”…Uh---Transistorized Control System for Unit Six-B,” the monk stammered.”
6. "You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. When I said something about the moon, you looked at the moon, last night. The others would never do that. The others would walk off and leave me talking. Or threaten me. No one has time any more for anyone else. You're one of the few who put up with me. That's why I think it's so strange you're a fireman, it just doesn't seem right for you, somehow."
7. “It is not my way to grant you any foreknowledge in these recordings, but it would be safe to indicate that what you have now achieved is merely a new balance---though one in which your position is considerably better. The Spiritual Power, while sufficient to ward off attacks of the Temporal, is not sufficient to attack in return. Because of the invariable growth of the counteracting force known as Regionalism, or Nationalism, the Spiritual Power cannot prevail.”
8. “For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead kings, and we each deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? … Free your mind of the idea of deserving, the idea of earning, and you will begin to be able to think.”
9. “He became aware that there was another living creature in the room with him. A granddaddy longlegs was making a futile journey down from the ceiling, spinning as it went. Smith watched it with delight and wondered if it was a nestling form of man.”
10. "Much that was called religion has carried an unconscious attitude of hostility toward life. True religion must teach that life is filled with joys pleasing to the eye of God, that knowledge without action is empty. All men must see that the teaching of religion by rules and rote is largely a hoax. The proper teaching is recognized with ease. You can know it without fail because it awakens within you that sensations which tells you this is something you've always known.”
11. “Well, then, that is the thing at the top of all bodies---so fast that it is at rest, so truly body that it has ceased being body at all. But we will not talk of that. Start from where we are, Small One. The swiftest thing that touches our senses is light. We do not truly see light, we only see slower things lit by it, so that for us light is on the edge---the last thing we know before things become too swift for us. But the body of an eldil is a movement swift as light…”
12. “If you find your life tangled up with somebody else’s life for no very logical reasons, that person may be a member of your karass..."
13. “For those stars were no stars at all! They were man-made objects---and very likely they were artifacts of those mysterious Southern ancestors. Perhaps they were even the actual vehicles that had brought those ancestors…in the beginning.”
14. "If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron.."
15. "they'd put them in cages, and torment them with maze and electric-shock experiments, and kill a few for dissection, or maybe not bother killing them first. On his own land, if they did anything like that, he could do something about it...I'll have to remind you again, though, that you're to treat these little people with consideration..."
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
classic sci-fi quiz
to those whom I have promised this quiz... let it be known that the authors, books, and quotes have been found and will be published very soon (I picked classic for starters just to narrow the field a little.)
btw, the peculiar travelling suggestions line in the previous post is one of them...
btw, the peculiar travelling suggestions line in the previous post is one of them...
Wap-pisk-ki-kakiw-isqueo
that movie Harold and Maude gave me the creeps in the beginning where they go to the funeral of someone they've never met--- thank goodness I would never do a thing like that... unless... I happened to re-discover one of my favourite quotes:
“Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God.” on the same day that laying right in front of me is a poster for the memorial service for a
woman with almost the same Cree name as me, ... and I start getting the feeling that I should go...but, luckily I forget all about it... until the next day when I am randomly pulling pieces of paper from my bag and out it comes, and I feel those little flutterings by my shoulder (I've always 100% found that real messages from spirit are offered, given to us; there is no sense of being forced or seduced or ordered to do something), but really I don't want to go hang out with a bunch of strangers who might look at me suspiciously (for good reason---they really haven't ever seen me before) and what if the people I sit beside are uncomfortable with me, and besides I am supposed to be writing today and I've been looking forward to it etc....So, I decide to go for a run and think about it (which pretty much guarantees I'll be too late to go, but I'm not admitting that to myself...) I get across the street, and there is a t.v. sitting by the sidewalk with piece of cardboard on top that says "free and it works". Well, someone in my household has been wishing for a t.v. for a while now, and I blew the last free offer of one. However, this is one big t.v. set, and I'm not even sure I can carry it across the busy street, but it just seems meant to be. Surprisingly. the traffic clears long enough for me to stop looking and make it across then my landlord leaps out of his car where he was leaving for work, and helps me in the gate and up the stairs. By the time I get inside, my knees are shaking, so no run, and I decide this gift is probably another suggestion for me to give-away to spirit, and if I don't think about it too much I can probably do this, although I admit I did curse myself a bit for being such an idiot, but you've probably guessed by now, I am very grateful that I went....I got to sit by two sweet-natured sisters who are lovely singers, one of them a teacher that I knew from Native Ed. and the service was a tribute to a woman that founded a very successful helping lodge for women, particularily those who suffered from violence in their lives. I was very happy I was able to go and honour her spirit and help her along her way (she was a having a little bit of a hard time letting go because so many people had been attached to having her brightness, lightness, and kindness around.) Not only did she help a lot of people but she travelled and had lots of fun....
And I learned the meaning of my name and kind of how to pronounce it in Cree!
And my heart opened a little bit more, and I got some good lessons, as she was passing over, from my sister in spirit--- All My Relations!
“Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God.” on the same day that laying right in front of me is a poster for the memorial service for a
woman with almost the same Cree name as me, ... and I start getting the feeling that I should go...but, luckily I forget all about it... until the next day when I am randomly pulling pieces of paper from my bag and out it comes, and I feel those little flutterings by my shoulder (I've always 100% found that real messages from spirit are offered, given to us; there is no sense of being forced or seduced or ordered to do something), but really I don't want to go hang out with a bunch of strangers who might look at me suspiciously (for good reason---they really haven't ever seen me before) and what if the people I sit beside are uncomfortable with me, and besides I am supposed to be writing today and I've been looking forward to it etc....So, I decide to go for a run and think about it (which pretty much guarantees I'll be too late to go, but I'm not admitting that to myself...) I get across the street, and there is a t.v. sitting by the sidewalk with piece of cardboard on top that says "free and it works". Well, someone in my household has been wishing for a t.v. for a while now, and I blew the last free offer of one. However, this is one big t.v. set, and I'm not even sure I can carry it across the busy street, but it just seems meant to be. Surprisingly. the traffic clears long enough for me to stop looking and make it across then my landlord leaps out of his car where he was leaving for work, and helps me in the gate and up the stairs. By the time I get inside, my knees are shaking, so no run, and I decide this gift is probably another suggestion for me to give-away to spirit, and if I don't think about it too much I can probably do this, although I admit I did curse myself a bit for being such an idiot, but you've probably guessed by now, I am very grateful that I went....I got to sit by two sweet-natured sisters who are lovely singers, one of them a teacher that I knew from Native Ed. and the service was a tribute to a woman that founded a very successful helping lodge for women, particularily those who suffered from violence in their lives. I was very happy I was able to go and honour her spirit and help her along her way (she was a having a little bit of a hard time letting go because so many people had been attached to having her brightness, lightness, and kindness around.) Not only did she help a lot of people but she travelled and had lots of fun....
And I learned the meaning of my name and kind of how to pronounce it in Cree!
And my heart opened a little bit more, and I got some good lessons, as she was passing over, from my sister in spirit--- All My Relations!
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
how every visit to the beach by yourself becomes iconic, whatever object you pick up, as if the waves were lapping at your soul and saying remember...remember...remember... a rock, a seashell, a bird's flight, something in us secretly awakens and speaks to us... in my case this morning a rusted hinge with a spring along the centre like a butterfly with wings stuck open... I don't know what it means but it wanted to come home with me.... the post I was going to write was about Starbuck whos sits by the corner selling his newspaper of prophecies and revelations done he believes in the spirit of Isaiah, I met him a long time a go at First United in the downtown Eastside when he was younger and more cheerful; the last time he saw me he glared at me from behind his sunglasses because I nodded and smiled at him as if he was just one of us---even when he was young and cheerful he felt separate, special and this is a real problem I've noticed for people when they come into awareness of their connection with g_d, and something that scares a lot of people off---the fear that they will be separate, no longer belonging with everyone they know---and I think of something a guy named Ram Dass (formerly known as Richard Alpert, yes that one) wrote which was approximately that his brother was locked up in a psychiatric institution because he thought he was God whereas R.D. was free because he believed that everyone is g_d, and I suspect that Starbuck has suffered a lot probably even as a child, and that suffering is what made him believe he was separate and special so that even as his connection to g-d healed him, it cut him off from humanity, and this is what I fear about darkness is its cunning. For Starbuck to be the part of g-d that he is might indeed have involved special revelations, but g-d returns us to our humanity and to love or it becomes twisted, Luciferian. This is like the need to stay in alignment and ground the energy in action or it gets trapped in our heads and goes round and round and drives us crazy....
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
as some of you already know I belong to the anti-niceness brigade (although I TOO admit to enjoying niceness at times, it is rather like enjoying artificial perfume--- clouds the senses, suffocates, and can leave you downright queasy.)
in case you have been thinking of succumbing, here are a couple thoughts to ponder:
never do something to be nice--- if it is worth doing then there are better reasons for doing it.
And, from a brilliant supporter of the anti-niceness league who dropped by this week: Niceness is all about saving face, so you've gotta wonder, what are they trying to cover up?
in case you have been thinking of succumbing, here are a couple thoughts to ponder:
never do something to be nice--- if it is worth doing then there are better reasons for doing it.
And, from a brilliant supporter of the anti-niceness league who dropped by this week: Niceness is all about saving face, so you've gotta wonder, what are they trying to cover up?
Sunday, April 24, 2005
aahhhh, am listening to Indian jazz,
just finished a bowl of homemade lentil soup cooked with my daughters,
side dish of favourite Middle Eastern pepper and eggplant spread.
now sucking an ouzo candy, drinking Salt Spring Island roasted coffee,
soon I will go outside and plant my pick of herbs and flowers---
grown for me by the labour of others, as my cosy, sunny house was built well for me---
if I decide not to do that then I will go watch the reds of sunset from the beach,
aaaahhhh, the life of a goddess is rich and rewarding,
tomorrow I will go to work and sit around and see who I can inspire....
and every Friday, when my weekly work is done, I go to drumming and chanting
where the bliss of the divine trickles like honey into my heart...
The leaves of spring are sap rising and spreading into the visible web of the tree of life,
each one a minature reminder for us that we belong here in this sun
Blessed Be
just finished a bowl of homemade lentil soup cooked with my daughters,
side dish of favourite Middle Eastern pepper and eggplant spread.
now sucking an ouzo candy, drinking Salt Spring Island roasted coffee,
soon I will go outside and plant my pick of herbs and flowers---
grown for me by the labour of others, as my cosy, sunny house was built well for me---
if I decide not to do that then I will go watch the reds of sunset from the beach,
aaaahhhh, the life of a goddess is rich and rewarding,
tomorrow I will go to work and sit around and see who I can inspire....
and every Friday, when my weekly work is done, I go to drumming and chanting
where the bliss of the divine trickles like honey into my heart...
The leaves of spring are sap rising and spreading into the visible web of the tree of life,
each one a minature reminder for us that we belong here in this sun
Blessed Be
Thursday, April 14, 2005
here,back in the van city, and I am being asked to do a cleansing ritual again--- by a group of mostly aetheist artists. One of their group of friend/family/roommates took his own life at Easter. (Thay are planning a wonderfully creative and loving memorial over which I will preside.)
Lo, and behold, I remember that I was given just such a cleansing ritual in a book by Robin Skelton, my dear friend the poetry professor who was also a practising witch. (Beware of accepting an invitation to a glass of wine in the faculty club; you never know where it will lead...)
And I had the honour and benefit of watching Musqueam Elder Vince Stogan do a cleansing ritual yearly of the F.N. college where I taught.
So, perhaps it is my turn...
Lo, and behold, I remember that I was given just such a cleansing ritual in a book by Robin Skelton, my dear friend the poetry professor who was also a practising witch. (Beware of accepting an invitation to a glass of wine in the faculty club; you never know where it will lead...)
And I had the honour and benefit of watching Musqueam Elder Vince Stogan do a cleansing ritual yearly of the F.N. college where I taught.
So, perhaps it is my turn...
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
oh yes, combos are possible too--- a little garden variety troll of darkness with a dash of ogre and deceptively silvery deep darkness of sorcery could very well make the leechlike vampire (I bet they hate that word LEECH.) Personally, my view, based on what I've seen is that we all have all the forms of darknesss inside us, but we also have predilections for our own favourite flavour. Just as we all have all forms have madness in us, but a definite leaning towards being more psychotic, neurotic, schizo, or manic/depressive. I even think we need these things inside us to stay sane.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Always look on the bright side of life ...whistling heard... always look on the bright side of life...more whistling
(unless it's giving you a serious crick in the neck; then, perforce, the other side will do...)
If your dark side is an ogre then you will say, "I am twisted and in darkness; I cannot bear the pain of you seeing me, so I must obliterate you..."
or, if a troll, you would be inclined to say, I am hungry and getting hungrier and hungrier, if the world inflicts this hunger on me then it owes me satisfaction, so I must consume you..."
or, perhaps you find yourself inclined to agree with sorcerers who say, "Either I have power or y0u do, so you must fall under my spell and serve only my desires..."
or, if you find a ghost inside, then you may hear yourself say, "Only you can save me from fading away, weighed down by the burden of my tragedy, so you must sacrifice yourself for me...."
and, hey, lest we forget the Modern Age, there are zombies who say, "I exist only to follow orders and serve my master; therefore, you too must follow all the rules, written or unwritten, or I must destroy you, bloodlessly..."
Analyze yourself, your loved ones, and enemies, for fun, fair game and profit...
this stuff comes to me in the middle of the night and won't let me sleep...
(unless it's giving you a serious crick in the neck; then, perforce, the other side will do...)
If your dark side is an ogre then you will say, "I am twisted and in darkness; I cannot bear the pain of you seeing me, so I must obliterate you..."
or, if a troll, you would be inclined to say, I am hungry and getting hungrier and hungrier, if the world inflicts this hunger on me then it owes me satisfaction, so I must consume you..."
or, perhaps you find yourself inclined to agree with sorcerers who say, "Either I have power or y0u do, so you must fall under my spell and serve only my desires..."
or, if you find a ghost inside, then you may hear yourself say, "Only you can save me from fading away, weighed down by the burden of my tragedy, so you must sacrifice yourself for me...."
and, hey, lest we forget the Modern Age, there are zombies who say, "I exist only to follow orders and serve my master; therefore, you too must follow all the rules, written or unwritten, or I must destroy you, bloodlessly..."
Analyze yourself, your loved ones, and enemies, for fun, fair game and profit...
this stuff comes to me in the middle of the night and won't let me sleep...
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